My Hit List

So, I have a hit list (among other lists of course...you sense a recurring "list" theme in my blogs, huh? I thought so...).

On my hit list are a number of things, but first and foremost are spiders. I. HATE. THEM. They scare the living daylights out of me. This blog stems from my experience on the way to the grocery store on Tuesday night (approximately, 7 pm on August 16...it was not raining...in the movies it always rains when a killing is about to go down). All I wanted was to innocently drive my car to the store to re-stock our fridge. Is that really, honestly too much to ask? I didn't think so.

So here's what happened...my side of the story.

I was pulling into the Teet (Harris Teeter) parking lot, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I get attacked by this creepy white spider. White. Who has every had a run-in with a WHITE spider? I was totally taken aback...do albino spiders exist??

He was just swinging precariously from his little web which had wound itself around the little stick-up think on my flip phone from 1982. So he was just dangling himself in front of me. Meanwhile, I'm trying to dodge cars, pull into a parking space, not run over people, unbuckle my seatbelt, and avoid the swinging spider in front of me, all the while hyperventilating and planning my next move. So. Scared. This makes it so hard to think clearly...I feel like my brain was mush and my thoughts one big cloud of dust. So I finally pull into a space and can't even manage to put the car in park as my eyes are glued to this gross-out white spider who is now running up my passenger side front seat. So now my attention is focused on 1) making sure he doesn't jump his way over to me 2) making sure he doesn't run away because then every time I got in the car I would think he was on me somewhere or he would jump in my bags to hitch a ride inside our house.

Holy bananas. I think I freaked out. So now I'm eying him, trying to keep my distance and remain as still as possible, and inch my hand over to a magazine (that I thankfully had in my car to give Katie...sorry, Kate, there was minimal damage though) so that I could beat him to death. I know it might sound morbid, but he was totally messing with the wrong person.

So I did it. I got the magazine--SUCCESS. I started beating him, and that little sucker was relentless. I mean, he had like 9 lives or something. I would beat him to what I thought was a pulp, and then try to use one of those magazine insert-flyers no one ever uses except to scoop up dead bugs, and he'd jump around again. Oh my word. Most terrifying experience of my day. Maybe even my week. Finally I beat him so hard, I got him. I'm sure people walking by were absolutely wondering what exactly was going on in my car, but I was oblivious. As least I didn't run anyone over while all this happened.

And actually as it turns out, I'm still scared and still paranoid, yet proud of myself. Usually I scream like a little girl and beg for someone else to take care of business...unfortunately I was all alone and had to grow a pair (excuse my French) and man-up.

Safe to say, Pam-1, spider-0. And I don't feel the least bit guilty. That'll teach his kind to dangle in my face again.

Secretly though, I think the spider won...all of last night I was creeped out by the thought and the paranoia of another one coming after me. Sigh. I will always be afraid of spiders, no matter how small. Especially when they're in my territory. When you're hiking and camping, it's really no problem at all. I mean, I'm invading their home in that case and also, in the vast beauty of the great outdoors they have no reason to make an appearance and taunt me. It's like a truce zone or something. Unfortunately, it's when they toe the line and try to come over for dinner or a free ride in the car that I get angry with them.

So, a couple things on my hit list (if you don't see your name, then consider yourself safe):

1. spiders
2. orange juice with pulp
3. doctors
4. technology
5. directions (specifically, trying to understand them or not having them)
6. when people tie me down and threaten to make me run outside in 130% humidity and 90+ degree heat (I treadmill it those days...no questions asked)